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Category Archives: Humor

The Supreme Court, on Nipples <— Dave Barry


Woman protesting with nipple-shaped pasties.

I think we can all agree that this is very important.

We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out.

Dave Barry, Dave Barry is Not Making This Up

 
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Posted by on November 30, 2012 in Freedom of Expression, Humor, Politics

 

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Too Soon? Still Funny <– George Bernard Shaw


“When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth…and take all the fun out of it.”

Life does not cease to be funny when people die

any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

— George Bernard Shaw, The Doctor’s Dilemma (1906)

 
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Posted by on July 16, 2012 in Humor, Politics

 

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The Founders’ Complaints Still Apply <– P.J. O’Rourke


“‘This is living!’ ‘I gotta be me!’ ‘Ain’t we got fun!’ It’s all there in the Declaration of Independence. We are the only nation in the world based on happiness. Search as you will the Maga Charta, the /Communist Manifesto/, the Ten Commandments, the Analects of Confucius, Plato’s /Republic/, the New Testament or the UN Charter, and find me any happiness at all.

There are twenty-seven specific complaints against the British Crown set forth in the Declaration of Independence.

To modern ears they still sound reasonable, in large part, because so many of them can be leveled against the federal government of the United States.

— P.J.O’Rourke, Parliament of Whores (1991)

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2012 in Humor, Liberty, Politics

 

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Honest Cynicism <– Lillian Hellman


Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.

— Lillian Hellman, The Little Foxes (1939)

 
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Posted by on February 2, 2012 in education, Humor, Philosophy

 

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Government Spending <- Dave Barry


We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail

 

One important reason we have a Defense Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don`t know what they`d do with it.

Probably put it in open trenches and set it on fire.

— Dave Barry, The Ultimate Deterrent against Political Fallout

 
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Posted by on January 12, 2012 in Humor, Politics

 

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The Early Bird Gets…Tired


Early to bed and early to rise is a bad rule for anyone who wishes to become acquainted with our most prominent and influential people.

— George Ade, True Bills (1904)

 
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Posted by on April 13, 2011 in Humor, Politics

 

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Shoot a Senator


Our constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U. S. Senators. There ought to be one day (just one) when there is open season on senators.
Will Rogers, Autobiography

 
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Posted by on August 6, 2010 in Humor, Politics

 

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Unfit to Rule


Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule — and both commonly succeed, and are right…The United States has never developed an aristocracy really disinterested or an intelligentsia really intelligent. Its history is simply a record of vacillations between two gangs of frauds.

— H.L. Mencken, Notebooks

 
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Posted by on August 5, 2010 in Humor, Politics

 

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Democracy is Not Freedom


Democracy is not freedom.

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to eat for lunch.

Freedom comes from the recognition of certain rights which may not be taken, not even by a 99% vote.

— James Bovard,  “Individual Rights“, Sacramento Bee (1994)

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2010 in Humor, Philosophy, Politics

 

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Be Ashamed of Achievement <- Nietzsche


Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive.

— Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All too Human

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2010 in Humor, Philosophy, sentience

 

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Diamond, or Pebble?


A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool.
Joseph Roux, Meditations of a Parish Priest

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2010 in Humor, Quotations

 

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Humor is the Best Defense <- Horace


Quintus Horatius FlaccusWhat stops a man who can laugh from speaking the truth?

Horace, cited in P.J. O’Rourke’s book Parliament of Whores

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2009 in Humor, Politics, sentience

 

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Free Will and Responsibility <- P.J. O'Rourke


P.J. O'Rourke, replete with cigar and obnoxiously confident grinOne of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on.

And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.

P. J. O’Rourke, Rolling Stone Magazine, November 1989

 
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Posted by on October 8, 2009 in Humor, Politics, sentience

 

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Art vs. Government


Oscar Wilde and canePeople sometimes inquire what form of government is most suitable for an artist to live under. To this question there is only one answer. The form of government that is most suitable to the artist is no government at all.

Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man Under Socialism

 
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Posted by on October 4, 2009 in Humor, Politics

 

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Rules for Writers <- William Safire


Fare well, one of our favorite wordsmiths

Fare well, one of our favorite wordsmiths


  • Remember to never split an infinitive.
  • The passive voice should never be used.
  • Do not put statements in the negative form.
  • Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
  • Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
  • If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be by rereading and editing.
  • A writer must not shift your point of view.
  • And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
  • Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!
  • Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
  • Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
  • If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  • Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
  • Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  • Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  • Always pick on the correct idiom.
  • The adverb always follows the verb.
  • Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.

William Safire (December 17, 1929 – September 27, 2009), Rules for Writers, from On Language

 
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Posted by on October 3, 2009 in education, Humor

 

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Writer’s Bloque


a1700Usually, writers will do anything to avoid writing.

For instance, the previous sentence was written at one o’clock this afternoon. It is now a quarter to four. I have spent the past two hours and forty-five minutes:

  • Sorting my neckties by width,
  • looking up the word paisly in three dictionaries,
  • attempting to find the town of that name on The New York Times Atlas of the World map of Scotland,
  • sorting my reference books by width,
  • trying to get the bookcase to stop wobbling by stuffing a matchbook cover under its corner,
  • dialing the telephone number on the matchbook cover to see if I should take computer courses at night,
  • looking at the computer ads in the newspaper and deciding to buy a computer because writing seems to be so difficult on my old Remington,
  • reading an interesting article on sorghum farming in Uruguay that was in the newspaper next to the computer ads,
  • cutting that and other interesting articles out of the newspaper,
  • sorting – by width – all the interesting articles I’ve cut out of newspapers recently,
  • fastening them neatly together with paper clips and making a very attractive paper clip necklace and bracelet set…

…which I will present to my girlfriend as soon as she comes home from the three-hour low-impact aerobic workout that I made her go to so I could have some time alone to write.
P.J. O’Rourke, The Wit and Wisdom of P. J. O’Rourke

 
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Posted by on September 13, 2009 in Humor

 

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Regarding Your Missive


Horrified SmileyIt was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don’t think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at).

There’s a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty…Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever
– unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime.

Thomas Aldrich, letter to Professor E.S. Morse, circa 1889

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2009 in Humor

 

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Majority Rule <- P.J. O'Rourke


1sausage_pepperoni_med_cczoomImagine if all of life were determined by majority rule.

  • Every meal would be a pizza.
  • Every pair of pants, even those in a Brooks Brothers suit, would be stone-washed denim.
  • Celebrity diet and exercise books would be the only thing on the shelves at the library.
  • And – since women are a majority of the population- we’d all be married to Mel Gibson.

P.J.O’Rourke, Parliament of Whores (1991)

But Now You Know

The Tyranny of the Majority, vs the Unanimity of Liberty

 
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Posted by on August 29, 2009 in Humor, Politics

 

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Fastest Animal on Earth


when-cows-flyScientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

— Dave Barry

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2009 in Humor

 

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Government as a Joke <- Will Rogers


WillRogersI don’t make jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts.

– Will Rogers, Saturday Review (25 August 1962)

 
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Posted by on August 20, 2009 in Humor, Politics

 

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